Shrink the ego

Hey, Pearl here again. My lifelong friend is getting married and we had one heck of a time on our bachelorette party. The thing that really set the tone was the great limousine service. It really made for all the difference in the world. I love to celebrate life whenever I can and my friend certainly deserves all the happiness she can find, we all do.

I have continued in my self development pursuits. The meditation is really coming along and the contemplation practices really do help me see things in the correct perspective. I have spent so much of my life in my head, way too much. I thought that figuring things out in my conscious mind was the key to success in life. Boy was I wrong, now I see that our emotions are the real controlling force in my decision making process. They are the key to successfully dealing with all of the people in our lives. They are the way that I have made every decision in my life. I just use my logic to rationalize why I made the decision after the fact.

Here I was thinking that I was in charge of my life. When I say the word “I” that means my ego. My ego is my version of me in my mind space. It isn’t really me it is just a character I created in my mind. Realizing that was quite a revelation. If my ego were truly in charge then all of the new years resolutions I have made in my life would have became reality. Wouldn’t they?

Here is an example: I tell myself I want to lose weight. I need to lose weight, I must do it. I make a plan, I even carry it out for a short while. But then I quit. This scenario has played itself out again and again in my life. If my ego was in charge then why would I quit?

The reality is that it isn’t in charge at all. I’ll tell you more in my next post.

Am I even real?

The more I objectively focus on my internal mechanisms,that is funny, not that long ago I was so convinced that my thoughts and emotions were who I am. Really it was more of a core belief, this has been a real paradigm shift. Anyway, the more I focus on my internal mechanisms I see that my whole life I have been fooling myself. I have been living under the assumption that I have some sort of control over my decisions. What a crock! I see that every choice I ever made has been decided by my unconscious or subconscious or whatever you want to call it.

The reason that I have experienced a decrease in the intensity of my negative emotions is because I have been objectively viewing my mind. I did it to learn about the interactions between my core mental components but I realize now that I have basically been bypassing my ego.

What I mean to say is that I was having a recurring bad feeling. It started to happen more and more often until finally I felt as though is was a continuous state to me. I could not sleep, I was spending most of my time trying to find a way to distract myself, so that I would not feel it for a short while. Finally, I faced my fear and pain. I began to wonder how this was even happening. I mean, how do emotions work? And why? Do thoughts and emotions work together, or independently? I knew that my unconscious mind was very powerful, but why had that came about. I became very focused on these questions. I began to ask myself these questions all of the time. Most importantly, I began to examine the process as it happened in my head. I began to objectively view what I had previously viewed as a purely subjective event.

I also studied quite a bit, and contemplated the new information. It was at this time I began to seriously study meditation. It really didn’t take that long before I began to feel relief from my self torment. I realized that all of the pain and trouble that we experience in our lives happens between our ears, at least from my perspective.

I realized that all of the inner workings of our minds had evolved in our species for one reason: to better our chances at surviving in reality. That was the only reason that we have those tools. I was spending most of my time in a mind space that was part of my consciousness and separate from reality. The past, the future, other places, who I could be if I could change. Reality is now and here. Any place or any time that isn’t here and now is in my head. Here is the most imperative point: the avatar of myself in this mind space(my ego) is not the real me. Somehow I have developed the belief that this fictional character is actually the real me. This being gained power because of my foolish need to feel control over my environment. This is the grand illusion I think. There is no control. Hell I can’t even control my own thoughts or emotions, and they are in my head. Why would I think I could control reality?
Pretty heavy content. Enough for today. Check back soon.

How do we work?

How is it that we can go our whole lives and not once do we question how we work?  I mean the not so obvious parts, our ego, self image, even our thoughts and emotions.  Have you ever really thought how they all work together.  The truth is that I never thought about such things because I assumed that these things were me. Literally, I thought that my thoughts and my emotions were who I am.  That is just who I am and it can’t be changed, not really.  I never in my whole life ever had another human tell me things were any different.

An emotion drives me, it is a feeling of discontent.  It is mixed with pain.  I do not like it, I have carried it around with me so long that I learned to not even notice that it was there.  I wouldn’t admit it but I believed that other people were better than me.  As soon as I met someone I would begin to find reasons why and how they were better than me. I know, it is irrational, but that is how our programming works.  I have felt this way as long as I can remember. I hate it.  I decided to try to change it.

I began to study, to contemplate.  Why did I feel the way that I did.  I had a very nice life.  I had personal accomplishments, nothing seemed to matter, I still felt the same way. It always came back.  I became a student of life, I began to watch other people very closely.  It seemed to me that we are all victims of the conditioning from our early childhoods.  Different conditions presented different personalities, and different internal feelings.

What are thoughts and feelings?  They seem to control our every action.  It could even be argued that our decision making process is strictly controlled by our internal mechanisms.  If that is so then free will is an illusion. How can we be free if we are controlled by our emotions that stem from our past?  Is there anyway to prevent this?

I had always considered myself to be a highly rational person, but I began to see that this was not so true.  I began to see that I would make a decision based upon my emotions and then use my logic to explain to myself why I had made the choice. It seemed as though I was moving in the wrong direction, I began to feel a lot of emotional pain from this pursuit.

Finally, after many long hours of study I began to understand.  The first step was learning how my emotions worked.  It seems that at times I have a  thought that quickly attaches itself to an emotion.  This process happens so fast that I am unaware of it, but during this time I make a decision if this thought should attach itself to a positive or negative emotion and then the emotional journey begins.

I began to really focus on my thoughts and emotions, I began to meditate, at first I resisted it. It seemed a little new age to me but I could not think of a better way to study my thoughts and emotions. So I did it. Man, is it different from what I thought it was. I am now totally convinced of the effectiveness of this type of training.

After studying my thoughts and emotions it occurred to me that maybe these two mechanisms don’t work together the way that I had thought. Even now I do not know. What I do know is that this perceived understanding forced me to examine my thoughts and emotions from an objective viewpoint, and this objective viewpoint changed my perspective and thus allowed my consciousness to grow, which allowed me to fully accept and allow my emotions without resistance, and this diminished the intensity of my negative emotion by a factor of ten. It is nothing short of amazing.  I have never felt anything like it.  I want to learn more, and I will learn and I will share it with you. But not today.  Come back and see me again.

Welcome to my website!

Hi,  my name is Pearl and this is my new blog, I hope you enjoy it.  If you are hoping to hear a soccer discussion I fear you will be disappointed. I have never even played the game, but my daughters loved it for many years and we organized and maintained an entire league to help our young girls to develop their young minds and bodies. Now my girls have grown and after many years I find myself looking for a purpose for my life, and my time.

It would seem that my soccer club has become more about my personal growth than anything else. I am fascinated by the human mind and our motivations and now I intend to explore this subject matter thoroughly.  It has become obvious to me that as a society we are only concerned with escaping our condition, and we only escape outward, not inward. I think I will look for my answers inside of me.

Modern technology is making life pretty easy for us. It gives us more of the most valuable of commodities: time.  How do we use this time?  Our entertainment is somewhat suspect when it comes to encouraging growth, either individually or as a society. Continue reading Welcome to my website!

My Journal of Truth