How is it that we can go our whole lives and not once do we question how we work? I mean the not so obvious parts, our ego, self image, even our thoughts and emotions. Have you ever really thought how they all work together. The truth is that I never thought about such things because I assumed that these things were me. Literally, I thought that my thoughts and my emotions were who I am. That is just who I am and it can’t be changed, not really. I never in my whole life ever had another human tell me things were any different.
An emotion drives me, it is a feeling of discontent. It is mixed with pain. I do not like it, I have carried it around with me so long that I learned to not even notice that it was there. I wouldn’t admit it but I believed that other people were better than me. As soon as I met someone I would begin to find reasons why and how they were better than me. I know, it is irrational, but that is how our programming works. I have felt this way as long as I can remember. I hate it. I decided to try to change it.
I began to study, to contemplate. Why did I feel the way that I did. I had a very nice life. I had personal accomplishments, nothing seemed to matter, I still felt the same way. It always came back. I became a student of life, I began to watch other people very closely. It seemed to me that we are all victims of the conditioning from our early childhoods. Different conditions presented different personalities, and different internal feelings.
What are thoughts and feelings? They seem to control our every action. It could even be argued that our decision making process is strictly controlled by our internal mechanisms. If that is so then free will is an illusion. How can we be free if we are controlled by our emotions that stem from our past? Is there anyway to prevent this?
I had always considered myself to be a highly rational person, but I began to see that this was not so true. I began to see that I would make a decision based upon my emotions and then use my logic to explain to myself why I had made the choice. It seemed as though I was moving in the wrong direction, I began to feel a lot of emotional pain from this pursuit.
Finally, after many long hours of study I began to understand. The first step was learning how my emotions worked. It seems that at times I have a thought that quickly attaches itself to an emotion. This process happens so fast that I am unaware of it, but during this time I make a decision if this thought should attach itself to a positive or negative emotion and then the emotional journey begins.
I began to really focus on my thoughts and emotions, I began to meditate, at first I resisted it. It seemed a little new age to me but I could not think of a better way to study my thoughts and emotions. So I did it. Man, is it different from what I thought it was. I am now totally convinced of the effectiveness of this type of training.
After studying my thoughts and emotions it occurred to me that maybe these two mechanisms don’t work together the way that I had thought. Even now I do not know. What I do know is that this perceived understanding forced me to examine my thoughts and emotions from an objective viewpoint, and this objective viewpoint changed my perspective and thus allowed my consciousness to grow, which allowed me to fully accept and allow my emotions without resistance, and this diminished the intensity of my negative emotion by a factor of ten. It is nothing short of amazing. I have never felt anything like it. I want to learn more, and I will learn and I will share it with you. But not today. Come back and see me again.